At the top of the list of all vacation fantasies, is having sex on a pearly white sand beach with soft powdery sand and calm waves. Sounds great, doesn’t it? The truth is, the actual idea of it, the backdrop, the mindset, all of that is wonderful. However, from a purely practical standpoint and an overall comfort level, fucking on a beach is not all that awesome. For those of you that have not yet done it and it is something on your vacation bucket list, I know you are probably mad at me right now for ruining your fantasy. By all means, do not stop because of me, as I said above, some elements are great, but those are mostly psychological. On a physical level, there are just too many obstacles for me.
Sand In Your Crotch
Of all the things NOT TO LIKE about sex on a beach, this one is my favorite. Sand all over you and your partner's private parts. I live on a beach so take it from me, sand is very sneaky, you don’t know how, but sand will inevitably find it’s way up your ass and genitals the within a few minutes of you laying down on a beach. Imagine going down on your partner and coming up with grains of sand in your mouth every single time. Even worst, imagine fucking and not using condoms and your parts are rubbing together with grains of sand in between. They use that shit to make sandpaper so imagine how it will feel on your genitals. There is no beach without Sand, and as long as there is Sand, it’s going to find its way to your crotch.
Sand is not the only annoying tiny things that you will encounter on a beach. A lot of people come back from their vacations with bites all over the legs, and they think it is mosquitos. The truth is, people have been blaming mosquitos for decades for the mischievous work of Sand Flees. They are tiny and fast and the bite like a motherfucker. My last attempt to enjoy sex on the beach was going great until Sand Flees started eating away at my legs. I was slapping my self in between strokes trying to get the little suckers but it was too much and too distracting, and so I ultimately had to stop before getting off. Maybe that is why I am so frustrated with sex on a beach. Blame it on the Sand Flees.
You Spend Half The Time Looking Around
Some people are exhibitionists, but most aren’t. Even if one partner is, very rarely you will find two people together that don’t mind being watched or getting caught. If you are one of those rare couples, then good for you. However, if you aren’t, you know that even on what seems like a private beach, you are going to have random people showing up to listen to the waves under the midnight stars, or going for a quiet walk or something romantic. For this reason, you are always looking around and looking out to see if anyone is coming. You are trying to hurry up and get each other off before this happens but that mindset only makes it harder for either of you to get off.
Beach Chairs Are Mostly Uncomfortable
Have you ever tried fucking on a beach chair? Because I have, and you don’t realize how cheap and unstable those things are until you start fucking on them and they start to sink in the middle or fall back flat from an inclined position. If the female is on her back on the chair, the guy normally finds himself with his legs apart straddling the chair, so as you thrust your legs are slowing sliding wider and wider apart in the sand, so you find yourself constantly having to adjust to avoid straining your groin. The best part about fucking on a beach chair that if one person is on one end and the other person gets up to change positions or something without warning, that thing is flipping over. Yeah, adventure!!
Can’t Get On Your Knees
You would love to avoid sliding but guess what, you can’t get on your knees. Unless you are fucking in jeans, which you most likely won’t be. Who wears jeans to a beach and furthermore, who the hell fucks with their jeans on. Getting on your knees in the sand and trying to fuck is physical torture. And no, towels don’t work, the sand will bet through those. You could try standing doggy style, but I just told you why you can’t stand and spread your legs in the sand so that won’t work either. You are just way better off going back to your hotel room or the garden, even pool. Anything but the beach.
With that, don’t listen to me. I am just mad because the last time I tried having sex on a beach, it was so awesome until it got ruined by sand flees. You don’t leave on the beach like me, so you don’t get to be a beach every day and be unappreciative. Live out your beach sex fantasy and scratch something else off your bucket list. Just know that everything I said above is true and you are going to encounter at least 2 of those obstacles.
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